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Laugh Break - The Best of the Best of Clean Comedy on the Web!, May 30 2006
Laugh Break - The Best of the Best of Clean Comedy on the Web!
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Laugh Break - Stories, May 30 2006
LAUGH BREAK What's New? | Lists | Stories | Quotes | Search | About | Donate Stories The 100BB Bug
The Accident
The Bet
Candles In The Dark
Car Burglary in the UK
The Catholic Jew
The Chicken Test
Contractors At The White House
Dad's The Biggest
The Farmer's Son
The FBI Loonies
The Fire
The Gift That Keeps On Giving
God Meets The EPA
The Great Nillity
How Much Is That Barbie In The Window?
The Importance Of Punctuation
Inform The Pilot
Jesus, The Great Programmer
Lipstick On The Mirror
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Donate, May 30 2006
Let's just get that out in the open right now. Laugh Break is a free website full of clean humor. We don't make you log in. We don't "hide" part of the site unless you pay. We don't tease you with half a joke, and then charge you for the punch line (although, that's not a bad idea.... ok, not really). It's free. All of it. All the time. For everyone.
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Laugh Break - Lists, May 30 2006
The Dangers Of Bread
If The Phone Company Ran A Restaurant
Numbers Of The Beast
Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

About Laugh Break, Dec 7 2006
Laugh Break was inspired by the many multitudes of humorous stories, lists, and other comical e-mails that are passed around on the internet every day. It is intended to be a place of storage and retrieval of humor at it's best.
Due to the danger of viruses, it is prefered that "funnies" be copied into e-mails rather than sent as file attachments.

Laugh Break - Quotes, May 30 2006
Disorder In The Courts
The Wisdom Of Supermodels

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Laugh Break - What's New?, May 30 2006
The Most Recently Added / Updated Pages On Laugh Break

Kidworld... by Kids & for kids!, May 17 2004
JOKE BOOK Jokes sent in by kids and for kids QUESTION Click here to see the answer ANSWER -->
What do peinguins use for napkins? Click here to see the answer Flapkins Why did the bunny cross the road?? Click here to see the answer Because it wanted to show its girl friend he could hip hop! ---Amy What do you call a cat that is frozen? Click here to see the answer A Catsicle! What do corn wear to bed ? Click here to see the answer Silk ---Jill Why do you go to bed? Click here to see the answer Because the bed wont come to you! --- From Ashley, 9 years old The owl and the pussycat went to sea, but the end of our story's quite sad.
The owl pushed the pussycat over the edge `cos her gameboy was driving him mad.
Tom Pennock, age 8 Q: Why did the teacher exscued the firefly? A: When you got to go you got to go ---by Dalisa, age 13 Knock,Knock! Who's there? howl! Howl who? Howl we gwt away from that mean dog over there? ---Kim What is the one word a dog can say ? Click here to see the answer BARK!! Knock Knock Who's there? Boo Boo Who? Don't Cry it's only a joke.
--- Katy age 3 WHY DID THE COMPUTER GO TO THE DOCTORS? Click here to see the answer IT HAD A VIRUS! From Cortney--age 6 Q: What do you take before every meal? A: A "seat"!! (by Onisha, age 9) Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide.
(by Serene Aria Holder, age 5) Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? A: It barked with de-light! Q: Why do birds fly south in the winter? A: Because it's too far to walk! Question: There are 5 cats on a couch.
How many were left? Answer: NONE, they were all copy cats! (From LEVI) Q: What is a baby's motto A: If at first you don't succeed cry cry again! Knock Knock! Who's there? Cargo! Cargo who? CarGo Beep Beep! Q: What must you do before you get board a bus ? A: Get on it! (From Linajen - a huge fan!) Q: what sound do porcupines make when they kiss? A: Ouch Q: what did one fish say to the other? A: if you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
Q: what is the longest word in the dictionary? A: the word smiles because there is a mile between each s.
(by Mathew Curbelo) Q: What color is a burp? A: Burple!! There were three guys and a dragon . The dragon said, "I am going to eat you.
The first guy said, "No, let's make a deal." The dragon said ,"O.K. what kind of deal?" The second guy said, "If we each tell you something that we think you can't do, and you can do all of it, you may eat us." The dragon agreed to the deal.
So the first guy said, "Go to the barn, eat 16 rooms of hay,". The dragon did it.
The second guy said, "Drink half of the ocean water." The dragon succeeded in doing this, also.
The third guy burped, and said, "Catch it and paint it green." The three guys lived happily ever after! (Thanks to Christy) Q: What is black and white, white and black, black and white? A: A zebra caught in a revolving door!! (from Nick) 1. What do dogs eat at the movie theatre ? 1. Pup-corn 2. What did the dog yell when it saw the pieces of a fallen tree ? 2. Bark! Bark! 3. What's a dogs favourite dessert ? 3. Pup-cakes Q: Why did the squirrel cross the road? A:To show his girlfriend he had guts.
Laverne: Me too. I've been trying to get the window open with this coat hanger for the past hour.
Shirley: Well hurry, it looks like it's going to rain and the top is down.
My husband thinks he is a refridgerator." "That's not so bad," the doctor said, "it's a harmless complex." "Maybe so," said the woman, "but he sleeps with his mouth open and it keeps me awake." Q: Why do birds fly south? A: Because it's too far to walk Q: Why did the cook get arrested? A: Because he beat up an egg.
Q: What did the pig say when the man grabbed him by the tail? A: That's the end of me...
Q: Why was the man fired from the M&M company? A: Because he threw away all the M&M's that had W's on them.
I am sad to report that today the writer of the Hokey Pokey died today. His funeral was very sad. The saddest part was putting him in his casket. They put his left arm, they put his right arm in, and well, you know the rest...
A frog walked into a bank and went to talk to a loan officer named Patty. The frog said, 'I would like a loan.' Patty said, 'Well, sir, we can't give you a loan.' 'Why not?' asked the frog.
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Joke of the Month, Dec 7 2006
Joke of the Month
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Joke of the Month
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Joke of the Month Winner: January 2006
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JOKE OF THE MONTH: JANUARY 2006
A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.
He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
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Laugh Break Lists - Useless Facts, May 30 2006
LAUGH BREAK What's New? | Lists | Stories | Quotes | Search | About | Donate Useless Facts Just think how you can amaze your friends with knowledge of the inane!
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.
The average secretary's left hand does 56% of the typing.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
There are more chickens than people in the world (at least before that chicken-flu thing).
Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.
All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are members of the peach family.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life"
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Laugh Break Lists - Bulletin Bloopers, May 30 2006
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved...the financial secretary gave a grief report.
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Joke of the Month: March 2003, Dec 7 2006
Joke of the Month: March 2003
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Joke of the Month Winner: March 2003
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JOKE OF THE MONTH: March 2003
When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then a student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is: no matter how full your life is, there is always room for beer.
JOKE OF THE MONTH ARCHIVES
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Laugh Break Quotes - Deep Thoughts (by Jack Handey), May 30 2006
LAUGH BREAK What's New? | Lists | Stories | Quotes | Search | About | Donate Deep Thoughts (By Jack Handy) If you lose your job, your marriage, and your mind all in one week, try to lose your mind first, because then the other stuff won't matter that much.
As I walked through the woods, I looked up and saw a squirrel. I smiled and he smiled. At least I think it was a smile. My teeth were showing and my cheeks were pulled up. That's a smile, isn't it? (The squirrel was definitley smiling)
Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.
When I think of all the arguments Marta and I have had, I realize how silly most of them were. And it makes me wonder why she wanted to argue over such stupid things. I think I'll go ask her.
Before a mad scientest goes mad, there's probably a time when he's only partially mad. And this is the time when he's going to throw his best parties.
The weirdest thing about going to the store and seeing a jar of pickles with your picture on it is not that your picture is on the jar. It's that the manager won't give you the pickles for free, and doesn't even think the picture looks like you.
If you're ever giving a speech, when you start out, act nervous and get mixed up a little bit. Then, as you go along, get better and better. Then, at the end, give off a white, glowing light and have rays shoot out of you.
Instead of half-mast, maybe you could fly a flag at three-quarters mast for a guy who's in a coma. Then, if he gets worse, the flag gets lower, or if he gets better, it starts to move up, so you can just look at the flag and see how he's doing.
Basically, this is the way the economy works: I do a service for you, and you pay me, even if you claim you didn't want the service and that I "ruined" something of yours.
Whenever I need to "get away," I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the weather is perfect. There's only one bad thing there: the flies! They're terrible!
I'm not sure I want to get the nickname "the love machine" because how would that affect my nickname now, which is "the lawn cutting machine?"
They say the mountain holds many secrets, but the biggest is this: "I am a fake mountain."
It's too bad cowboys didn't eat much pizza back in the old west, because I think agood painting would be a cowboy giving his last slice to his horse.
Toward the end of the stone age, I bet there was already a feeling that metal was just around the corner.
The king threw back his head and laughed. He enjoyed a good laugh, and so did his wife, the queen. When she saw the king laughing she let out a big laugh too. In fact, she laughed so hard she broke her throne. This made them both laugh harder. Then they got serious when the remembered they had the plague. "The plague" said the king, but the way he said it made them both burst out laughing again.
When I picked up the little dead mouse that my cat had killed, at first I felt sad. Then, I felt hungry. I forget what happened after that.
When the tire blew out on Gary's car, he and Bob got out and fixed it. But, they had only driven a few miles when another tire blew out. "Well, I guess I'm the blowout king" said Gary. Bob tried to smile, but it was hard. He had always thought of himself as the blowout king.
It's funny, but when you look at an old man, then you look at a photo of him when he was a young man, then you look at the old man, then the photo, back and forth, pretty soon you'll do whatever anybody tells you to do.
They were a proud people. In fact, some said they were too proud. If you asked them why they were so proud, they'd just laugh and say, "We're not even going to answer that." Later, they were tied to the bumper of a car and dragged around the block, as onlookers shrieked with delight. But one old man, who had a banjo, just shook his head and walked away. The crowd noticed this and set him on fire.
One of the worst things you can do as an actor, I think, is to forget your lines, and then get so flustered that you start stabbing the other actors.
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Laugh Break Stories - Kid's Eye View, May 30 2006
The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, "What flag is this?" A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country." "Very good," the teacher said. "And what is the name of our country?" 'Tis of thee," the girl said confidently.
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"
Two little boys were visiting their grandfather, and he took them to a restaurant for lunch. They couldn't make up their minds about what they wanted to eat. Finally the grandfather grinned at the server and said, "Just bring them bread and water." One of the little boys looked up and quavered, "Can I have ketchup on it?"
A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
Our parish priest was making a visit to my nephew's home. Knocked on the door, and the little 4-year-old boy went to the door and way the priest. He called to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for God is here!"
My 2 1/2-year-old niece, Kelli, went with her neighbor girl to church for First Communion practice. The pastor has the children cup their hands, and when he gives them the Host-in this case, a piece of bread- he says: "God be with you."
We set out our creche for the holidays, and my 5-year-old daughter, Laura, was watching me put all of the figurines in it- especially baby Jesus. I explained what a manger was-that they didn't have a crib for him, so they had to lay a blanket on the hay and put him there. She thought about that for a minute, and then she looked at me and said, "Mom, did they have to use a manger for his car seat, too?"
I took Allison to the doctor for her 2-year-old check. They had her do coordination tests, like stacking blocks, and they watch and see if they walk properly. And then the doctor said, "Allison, can you stand on one foot for me?" And she walked over and stood on his foot.
My son has a pet iguana, and he took it to school to show some of the other kids. If you've ever seen an iguana, they have a large flap of skin that hangs down from their neck, and it's called dewlap. The kids were asking what it was, and he explained, and a little girl in his class said, "Oh! My grandma has one of those."
I have two sons, ages 8 & 4, and they were discussing Adam and Eve. The 8-year-old asked: "How did Adam and Eve die?" And the 4-year-old said: "They ate bad fruit."
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
Another three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained.
"I'm looking for the seal."
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Funny Jokes from the Funny Jokes Archive at the Comedy Zone, Dec 7 2006
Funny Jokes from the Funny Jokes Archive at the Comedy Zone
The Comedy Zone
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The Humorous News
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Only The Funniest Jokes and Funny Stories.
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The chicken crossing the road is only the start of the story with this collection of furry funnies.
At light hearted look at those pillars of society and leaders in the field of ethics!
A collection of some of the finest bar jokes, and drinking humor anywhere on the web.
My favorite section, the politicians provide a never ending stream of jokes.
It's time poke a little fun at the good 'ol boys. You know who you are!
Everything from helpdesk howlers to the Madness of King Bill!
From the harmony and bliss of marriage, to angelic children and more...
Just a little fun on the differences between our many nationalities and how we all love each other!
Sportsmen and women of the world unite in the silliness of our passion for pain!
Ah the student life, cheap beer, dirty dishes, and no discernable work to do!
Joke of the Month
| e-mail Jokes | Joke of the Month | Submit your Jokes | Competition |
The Joke Shop Your one-stop shop for Practical Jokes, Humour and Fun!
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Laugh Break Stories - Dumb Criminals, May 30 2006
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.
Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighbourhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
The District Attorney requested all the robbery victims to come to the police station to study a lineup of five people. He placed his suspect at the end of the line. Then he asked each to step forward and say, "Give me all your money... and I need some change in quarters, nickels and dimes." The first four did it right. However, when it was the last man's turn to recite, he broke the case by blurting out, "That isn't what I said."
In Nashville, they tell of Fred "Junior" Williams, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.
In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right guy when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters.
In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid I.D. in a 7-Eleven robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.
Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, "Yeah, that's the woman I robbed."
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants," said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

Joke of the Month: December 2005, Dec 7 2006
Joke of the Month: December 2005
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JOKE OF THE MONTH: December 2005
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
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Joke of the Month Competition, Dec 7 2006
Joke of the Month Competition
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Think you know a really funny joke that's not already listed in the joke files? Why not ENTER our monthly competition to find the best jokes on the net.
Each month our Winner will get to choose the title they want from the Play.com on-line Shop, to the value of 20, which includes most of the items available. Anyone can enter as Play.com deliver their products anywhere in the world.
Once you are selected as a winner, we will contact you and ask you to choose which Video or DVD you'd like and that's it. Sounds simple enough doesn't it. So, if you fancy grabbing a video of your favourite comedian, read on for the competition details...
When the winner is chosen, your joke may be featured in our 'JOKE OF THE MONTH' winners circle. All you have to do to enter is SUBMIT YOUR JOKE, choose the best category for it and wait and see if it makes us laugh out loud.
The best entries will get added to the index with your name listed next to it which will stay there forever.
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Animal Jokes, Funny Pet Stories and One Liners from the Comedy Zone, Dec 7 2006
Animal Jokes, Funny Pet Stories and One Liners from the Comedy Zone
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THE TALKING PARROTS
THE LONELY FROG
UPSETTING THE STEWARDESS
CRUISING WITH THE PENGUINS
THE FIRE DOG
THE INTELLIGENCE FACTOR
THE RABBIT AND THE SNAKE
EMERGENCY IN THE VET'S OFFICE
AT THE GORILLA ENCLOSURE
A TRIP TO THE CINEMA
THE INFAMOUS GOONY BIRD
THE SPEEDY SNAIL
THE CRISTMAS PARROT
THE SMELL OF FRESH BLOOD
THE WITTLE WABBITS
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Joke of the Month: May 2003, Dec 7 2006
Joke of the Month: May 2003
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JOKE OF THE MONTH: May 2003
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
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Joke of the Month: September 2003, Dec 7 2006
Joke of the Month: September 2003
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JOKE OF THE MONTH: September 2003
Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door.
The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."
The father came home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him. "But why?" croaked the husband.
"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob."
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Blonde Jokes, Blonde Stories and One Liners from the Comedy Zone, Dec 7 2006
Blonde Jokes, Blonde Stories and One Liners from the Comedy Zone
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THE BLONDE TELEGRAM
THE GREAT BLONDE KIDNAP
AT THE PEARLY GATES
THE NAME'S BLONDE...
TALE OF THE 'NOT ENTIRELY' UNEXPECTED
THE BLONDE AND THE LAWYER
THE JIGSAW PUZZLE
THE BLONDE AND THE SPORTS CAR
THE BLONDE, THE BRUNETTE, THE REDHEAD
THE PACKED LUNCH SUICIDES
THE MAGIC MIRROR
THE TIRED OLD GENIE DOES A FINAL WISH
THE SUNBURNT MEMBER
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Laugh Break Lists - Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?, May 30 2006
Laugh Break Lists - Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
LAUGH BREAK What's New? | Lists | Stories | Quotes | Search | About | Donate Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes.
Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken "crossed" the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chequebook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom have we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
MICHAEL SCHUMACHER: It was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.
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Bar Jokes, Drinking Stories Beer Humour from the Comedy Zone, Dec 7 2006
Bar Jokes, Drinking Stories Beer Humour from the Comedy Zone
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THE SINGING BULLFROG
THE MAGICAL DANCING DUCK
FREE DRINKS FOR THE BLIND
THE GOOD SAMARITAN
ON THE BUSES
THE BUFFALO THEORY
A STATE OF THE ART WATCH
THE DEAF DRUNKS
THE PROPOSITION
THE STELLA AWARDS
UNDER THE STREET LIGHT
THE DRINKS ARE ON ME
THE CHARM OFFENSIVE
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