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First Name Basis - Laugh Break, Aug 6 2010
First Name Basis - Laugh Break
First Name Basis
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.
The manager scowled. "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

Family Feud Losers - Laugh Break, Aug 6 2010
Name something a blind person might use
Name a song with moon in the title
Name a bird with a long neck
Name an occupation where you need a torch
Name a famous brother & sister
Name a dangerous race
Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers
Name something that floats in the bath
Name something you wear on the beach
Name something that Russia is famous for
Name something Red
Name a famous cowboy
Name a famous royal
Name a famous bridge
Name an animal you might see at the zoo

Answering Machine Messages - Laugh Break, Aug 6 2010
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty-dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it...
This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.
Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back - only that I won't.
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone, you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

Useless Facts - Laugh Break, Aug 6 2010
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula". And can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."
The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."
Pepsi originally contained pepsin, thus the name.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The longest place name still in use is: Taumatawhakatangihangaoauauotam-eteaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokai-whenu a kitanatahu - a New Zealand hill.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie" (Thus the name of the Don McLean song).
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

Weird Al Q&A - Laugh Break, Aug 6 2010
If and when you have children, will they also be weird? For instance, would you name your son Weird Walter or your daughter Weird Wendy?
No, that would be kind of cruel, don't you think? I mean, who in their right mind would name their kid Walter?
Have you ever thought of recording an album under a different name the way that Garth Brooks did with his Chris Gaines album?
Yes, I've been releasing cheesy new age albums under the name "Yanni" for years. It started out as a joke, but people have just been eating it up!
Can you name any of the songs on your new album?
Yes, I can name all of them.
Yes, for the last several years, I've been releasing lame instrumental albums under the name "Kenny G."

Things People Say - Laugh Break, Aug 6 2010
A friend of mine and her husband went to Toys R Us to get a ball for their grandson. The name of the ball was "Ugly Balls". They searched the store but were unable to find them. The wife saw a salesperson and went over and asked him, "Do you have Ugly Balls?" She wouldn't have thought anything about this except... her husband was rolling on the floor laughing.
I called my hair salon to tell them I'd be late for an appointment. I couldn't remember the haircutter's unusual name, so I said, "I think her name is Zora." The receptionist said flatly, "We don't have anybody here by that name." I said, "Check the appointment book and see who my appointment is with." She checked and said, "Oh, your appointment is with 'Zoya.'" So I'm wondering, how many of the six people working there have four letter names beginning with Z anyway???

http://philip.greenspun.com/politics/litigation/funny-trial-excerpts.text, Sep 6 2009
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
Q. What's his first name?
remember his first name?
tell them your first name!
Q. What is your name?

Bubba Knows Everybody - Laugh Break, Aug 6 2010
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

101 Ways To Be Annoying - Laugh Break, Aug 6 2010
Name your dog "Dog."
Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

Fun With Telemarketers - Laugh Break, Aug 6 2010
If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

kids-jokes.com | In and Out of Puddles, Aug 6 2010
He asks the first duck, "What's your name?"
The bartender asks the second duck, "What's your name?"
The witty bartender says to the third duck, "So I guess your name is Louie?"

How To Attend A Meeting - Laugh Break, Aug 6 2010
To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties. Ask among your coworkers. "Hi," you should say. "I'm a new employee. What is the name of my job?" If they answer "long-range planner" or "lieutenant governor," you are pretty much free to lounge around and do crossword puzzles until retirement. Most jobs, however, will require some work.
2. Meetings where there is some alleged purpose. These are trickier, because what you do depends on what the purpose is. Sometimes the purpose is harmless, like someone wants to show slides of pie charts and give everyone a big, fat report. All you have to do in this kind of meeting is sit there and make up elaborate fantasies, then take the report back to your office and throw it away, unless, of course, you're a vice president, in which case you write the name of a subordinate in the upper right hand corner, followed by a question mark, like this "Norm?" Then you send it to Norm and forget all about it. (Although it will plague Norm for the rest of his career.)

Dumb Criminals - Laugh Break, Aug 6 2010
Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid I.D. in a 7-Eleven robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.

Rules for Bank Robbers - Laugh Break, Aug 6 2010
3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.

kids-jokes.com | The Life Of A Computer Analyst, Aug 6 2010
10:00 am Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.

kids-jokes.com | An Application For Permission To Date My Daughter, Aug 6 2010
NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

Knock Knock Jokes - Hundreds !, Aug 6 2010
C-2 it that you don't forget my name next time !
Cauliflower by any other name and it's still a daisy !

Knock Knock Jokes - Hundreds !, Aug 6 2010
Insect your name here !
Iris Tew in the name of the law !

Teacher jokes and school humor, Aug 6 2010
Teacher: You new here aren't you, what's your name ?
Pupil: He doesn't like people taking the Mickey out of my name !

Geography jokes and world humor, Aug 6 2010
Name an animal that lives in Lapland ?
Good, now name another.

Sporting riddles, puzzles and brain teasers, Aug 6 2010
August was the name of a puppy who was always picking on larger animals. One day he got into an argument with a lion. The next day was the first day of September. Why?
If Fortune had a daughter, what would her name be?

http://www.comedy-zone.net/forum/Comedy_Zone_at_the_Bar_C4/Funny_Pictures_F10/gforum.cgi?username=cute_girls;guest=10309222&t=search_engine, Aug 6 2010
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http://www.comedy-zone.net/forum/Comedy_Zone_at_the_Bar_C4/Funny_Pictures_F10/gforum.cgi?username=swakes;guest=10309222&t=search_engine, Aug 6 2010
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http://www.comedy-zone.net/forum/Comedy_Zone_at_the_Bar_C4/Funny_Pictures_F10/gforum.cgi?username=BossMan;guest=10309222&t=search_engine, Aug 6 2010
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http://www.comedy-zone.net/forum/Comedy_Zone_at_the_Bar_C4/Funny_Pictures_F10/gforum.cgi?username=karndko;guest=10309222&t=search_engine, Aug 6 2010
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