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Looking for god in entire archive - Found 88 matches in 47 files
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Talking To God - Laugh Break, May 6 2010
Talking To God - Laugh Break
Talking To God
A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God.
"God," he said, "how long is a million years?"
God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God answered, "To me, it's a penny."
The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"
God answered, "Sure! Just a minute."

God Meets The EPA - Laugh Break, May 6 2010
God Meets The EPA - Laugh Break
God Meets The EPA
God created heaven and the earth. But immediately He was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement.
Then God said, "Let there be light", and immediately the officials demanded to know what the power source would be. Would strip mining be involved? Surely no nuclear energy?
God then said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and bear much seed." The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used.
Then God said, Let waters bring forth creeping creatures begetting life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Sierra Club.
Then God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. But government officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be a 10-12 month approval period before...
At this point God created Hell.

Hotline To God - Laugh Break, May 6 2010
Hotline To God - Laugh Break
Hotline To God
John Madden was in Denver to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special phone near the Broncos' bench. He asked Coach Shanahan what it was for and was told it was a hotline to God. John asked the coach if he could use it, and the coach said: "Sure, but it will cost you $100."
The next weekend, Madden was in Green Bay when he noticed the same kind of phone near the Green Bay bench. He asked Coach Holmgren what the phone was for, and Mike said: "It's a hotline to God, and if you want to use it, it will cost you $100." Recalling the previous week, Madden pulled out his wallet and gladly paid the $100.
The next weekend, Madden was in Nashville at The Colliseum when he noticed the same phone near the Titans bench. He asked Coach Jeff Fisher if it was a hotline to God. Fisher said, "Yes it is. Do you want to use it? It'll cost you 35 cents."

Drawing God - Laugh Break, May 6 2010
Drawing God - Laugh Break
Drawing God
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

kids-jokes.com | As God Is My Judge, May 6 2010
kids-jokes.com | As God Is My Judge
As God Is My Judge
Mr. Schneider stood up in court, "As God is my judge, I do not owe my ex-wife any money."

Honest Hymns - Laugh Break, May 6 2010
It is My Secret What God Can Do
A Comfy Mattress Is Our God
Praise God from whom All Affirmations Flow
O, God, Our Enabler in Ages Past
We Are Milling Around in the Light of God
Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somewhere Near Me

Kid's Eye View - Laugh Break, May 6 2010
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
Our parish priest was making a visit to my nephew's home. He knocked on the door, and the little 4-year-old boy went to the door and saw the priest. He called to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for God is here!"
My 2 1/2-year-old niece, Kelli, went with her neighbor girl to church for First Communion practice. The pastor has the children cup their hands, and when he gives them the Host - in this case, a piece of bread - he says: "God be with you." Apparently this made quite an impression on my niece. She came home and told her mother to cup her hands and bend down. Kelli took a piece of bread from her sandwich, placed it in her mother's hands, and whispered, in her most angelic voice: "God will get you."

Bulletin Bloopers - Laugh Break, May 6 2010
In the church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD! Dr. Hargreaves is better.
We have received word of sudden passing of Rev. Smith this morning during the worship service. Now let's sing "Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow."
Glory of God to all and peas to his people on earth.
Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett. Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"

Stories - Laugh Break, May 6 2010
Drawing God
God Meets The EPA
Hotline To God
Talking To God

Comedians' Best Lines, 1997 - Laugh Break, May 6 2010
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?" --Jon Stewart
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology." --Jay Leno

Comedy Links Directory: Bizarre and Weird, Sep 6 2009
Electronic book on the biblical 666 myth. 666 on your phone keyboard. Free 666 calculators and some results. Bivalent Myth and Peaceful Coexistence: God-Satan, Poisons-Antidotes. Origins of the myth and various facts. Haunted Numbers and Free Antidotes. Review It
Bob Saget is God

Comedy Links Directory: Bizarre and Weird, Sep 6 2009
Electronic book on the biblical 666 myth. 666 on your phone keyboard. Free 666 calculators and some results. Bivalent Myth and Peaceful Coexistence: God-Satan, Poisons-Antidotes. Origins of the myth and various facts. Haunted Numbers and Free Antidotes. Review It
Bob Saget is God

Prayer Of Senility - Laugh Break, May 6 2010
God grant me the senility

Stamp Denominations - Laugh Break, May 6 2010
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Okay, give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

Old-Timer Woes - Laugh Break, May 6 2010
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."

Praying For Money - Laugh Break, May 6 2010
The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man thanked him, got up and left the church, praising God. The businessman watched as the man left and the door behind him completely closed, then bowed his head and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention..."

Captured By Canibals - Laugh Break, May 6 2010
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and shoots himself.

Loan Request - Laugh Break, May 6 2010
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is an emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God who, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope to h--- you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our d--- loan?"

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? - Laugh Break, May 6 2010
And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Sunday School Lessons - Laugh Break, May 6 2010
In the first book of the Bible, GUINESSIS, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off.

Extreem Bumper Stickers - Laugh Break, May 6 2010
I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha

kids-jokes.com | Your Mama Is So Fat, May 6 2010
Your mama is so fat when god said let there be light, he asked her to step out of the way.

kids-jokes.com | Three Men And A Baby, May 6 2010
Drawing God

kids-jokes.com | The Shady Doctor, May 6 2010
Is There A God?

kids-jokes.com | Three Blondes: The Detection of Dumb, May 6 2010
Drawing God


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