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Looking for car in entire archive - Found 109 matches in 64 files
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Laugh Break - If Microsoft Built Cars, Apr 6 2009
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

Laugh Break - Carjacking Foilded, Apr 6 2009
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon return, found four males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required: so get out of the car. The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.
Small problem: Her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly white woman; no charges were filed.

Laugh Break - Car Burglary in the UK, Apr 6 2009
Laugh Break - Car Burglary in the UK
Car Burglary in the UK
One of our local Members of Parliament (Gillian Shephard) paid a visit to Norwich jail to inspect the place and after her tour of the prison, she was shown to her chauffeur-driven car by the Governor, whereupon it was discovered that the chauffeur had inadvertently left the keys in the car and he was unable to open the doors. There was much embarrassment until the Governor of Norwich jail came up with a splendid idea.
"We have plenty inside here who are doing time for car burglary. Shall I get one?"

kids-jokes.com | Little Catholic Kid Needs A Car, Apr 6 2009
kids-jokes.com | Little Catholic Kid Needs A Car
Little Catholic Kid Needs A Car
"God," he prayed, "I really want a car." Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty.
"God," he prayed again, "I really NEED a car."

Laugh Break - Actual Accident Summaries, Apr 6 2009
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I collided with a stationary car going the other way.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

Laugh Break - Dumb Criminals, Apr 6 2009
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighbourhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid I.D. in a 7-Eleven robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.
Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, "Yeah, that's the woman I robbed."

Laugh Break - Designated D..., Apr 6 2009
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Laugh Break - AAADD, Apr 6 2009
I decide to wash the car. I start toward the garage and I notice the mail on the table. Ok, I'm going to wash the car, but first I'm going to go through the mail.
I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trash can is full. Ok, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trash can out. But since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first.
The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys! When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!!

Laugh Break - The Gift That Keeps On Giving, Apr 6 2009
Roy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years - and each time the package gets harder to open. This year the pants came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube. The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin. Now Collette's plotting his revenge - if he can get them out.
Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a car with 95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment. "This will take some planning," Collette said.

Laugh Break - Travel Agent Stories, Apr 6 2009
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

Laugh Break - Dumb People, Apr 6 2009
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Laugh Break - Mentally Deprived People, Apr 6 2009
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house, drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Darn! That's hot!" See... If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him...

Laugh Break - Virus Warning!, Apr 6 2009
It will eat all your food and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic. Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will seduce your grandmother.

Laugh Break - Rules for Bank Robbers, Apr 6 2009
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly-solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.

kids-jokes.com | A Poor Game, Apr 6 2009
As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Well," said the police man very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

Funny Travel Jokes, Road Rage and Humorous Driving Stories, Apr 6 2009
THE IMPORTED SPORTS CAR
VOICE ACTIVATED CAR RADIO
IN A PACKED SUBWAY CAR

Laugh Break - The Rolls, Apr 6 2009
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

Laugh Break - Doctor vs. Mechanic, Apr 6 2009
Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon, Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey... Is dat you? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

Laugh Break - Stella Awards, Apr 6 2009
2. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Laugh Break - Actual Signs, Apr 6 2009
In front of a New Hampshire car wash:
"If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

kids-jokes.com | Dogs On A Lawn, Apr 6 2009
These two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored.
The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try. The next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks, "Well, how did it go?"

kids-jokes.com | Refill, Apr 6 2009
Upon returning to their car from a shopping tour, one of the young ladies realized that she had forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for her birth control pills.
"Please fill this immediately," she asked. "I've got people waiting in my car!"

kids-jokes.com | It's a Numbers Game, Apr 6 2009
The second guy says "I want a new car."
The guy says, "Oh well. I want my car." *poof*

kids-jokes.com | Business Sucks, Apr 6 2009
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more arse this month, I'm going to lose my car."

kids-jokes.com | My Feminine Side, Apr 6 2009
They get in Johnny's car, a pink stretch Cadillac, and proceed to leave the parking lot.
As they got out of the car Johnny asked, "So Bob, do you like my feminine side?"


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