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Kidworld... by Kids & for kids!, Sep 6 2009
JOKE BOOK Jokes sent in by kids and for kids QUESTION Click here to see the answer ANSWER -->
What do peinguins use for napkins? Click here to see the answer Flapkins Why did the bunny cross the road?? Click here to see the answer Because it wanted to show its girl friend he could hip hop! ---Amy What do you call a cat that is frozen? Click here to see the answer A Catsicle! What do corn wear to bed ? Click here to see the answer Silk ---Jill Why do you go to bed? Click here to see the answer Because the bed wont come to you! --- From Ashley, 9 years old The owl and the pussycat went to sea, but the end of our story's quite sad.
The owl pushed the pussycat over the edge `cos her gameboy was driving him mad.
Tom Pennock, age 8 Q: Why did the teacher exscued the firefly? A: When you got to go you got to go ---by Dalisa, age 13 Knock,Knock! Who's there? howl! Howl who? Howl we gwt away from that mean dog over there? ---Kim What is the one word a dog can say ? Click here to see the answer BARK!! Knock Knock Who's there? Boo Boo Who? Don't Cry it's only a joke.
--- Katy age 3 WHY DID THE COMPUTER GO TO THE DOCTORS? Click here to see the answer IT HAD A VIRUS! From Cortney--age 6 Q: What do you take before every meal? A: A "seat"!! (by Onisha, age 9) Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide.
(by Serene Aria Holder, age 5) Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? A: It barked with de-light! Q: Why do birds fly south in the winter? A: Because it's too far to walk! Question: There are 5 cats on a couch.
How many were left? Answer: NONE, they were all copy cats! (From LEVI) Q: What is a baby's motto A: If at first you don't succeed cry cry again! Knock Knock! Who's there? Cargo! Cargo who? CarGo Beep Beep! Q: What must you do before you get board a bus ? A: Get on it! (From Linajen - a huge fan!) Q: what sound do porcupines make when they kiss? A: Ouch Q: what did one fish say to the other? A: if you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
Q: what is the longest word in the dictionary? A: the word smiles because there is a mile between each s.
(by Mathew Curbelo) Q: What color is a burp? A: Burple!! There were three guys and a dragon . The dragon said, "I am going to eat you.
The first guy said, "No, let's make a deal." The dragon said ,"O.K. what kind of deal?" The second guy said, "If we each tell you something that we think you can't do, and you can do all of it, you may eat us." The dragon agreed to the deal.
So the first guy said, "Go to the barn, eat 16 rooms of hay,". The dragon did it.
The second guy said, "Drink half of the ocean water." The dragon succeeded in doing this, also.
The third guy burped, and said, "Catch it and paint it green." The three guys lived happily ever after! (Thanks to Christy) Q: What is black and white, white and black, black and white? A: A zebra caught in a revolving door!! (from Nick) 1. What do dogs eat at the movie theatre ? 1. Pup-corn 2. What did the dog yell when it saw the pieces of a fallen tree ? 2. Bark! Bark! 3. What's a dogs favourite dessert ? 3. Pup-cakes Q: Why did the squirrel cross the road? A:To show his girlfriend he had guts.
Laverne: Me too. I've been trying to get the window open with this coat hanger for the past hour.
Shirley: Well hurry, it looks like it's going to rain and the top is down.
My husband thinks he is a refridgerator." "That's not so bad," the doctor said, "it's a harmless complex." "Maybe so," said the woman, "but he sleeps with his mouth open and it keeps me awake." Q: Why do birds fly south? A: Because it's too far to walk Q: Why did the cook get arrested? A: Because he beat up an egg.
Q: What did the pig say when the man grabbed him by the tail? A: That's the end of me...
Q: Why was the man fired from the M&M company? A: Because he threw away all the M&M's that had W's on them.
I am sad to report that today the writer of the Hokey Pokey died today. His funeral was very sad. The saddest part was putting him in his casket. They put his left arm, they put his right arm in, and well, you know the rest...
A frog walked into a bank and went to talk to a loan officer named Patty. The frog said, 'I would like a loan.' Patty said, 'Well, sir, we can't give you a loan.' 'Why not?' asked the frog.
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Useless Facts - Laugh Break, May 6 2012
Just think how you can amaze your friends with knowledge of the inane!
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.
The average secretary's left hand does 56% of the typing.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
There are more chickens than people in the world (at least before that chicken-flu thing).
Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are members of the peach family.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life"
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
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Bulletin Bloopers - Laugh Break, May 6 2012
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved...the financial secretary gave a grief report.
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Kid's Eye View - Laugh Break, May 6 2012
The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, "What flag is this?" A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country." "Very good," the teacher said. "And what is the name of our country?" 'Tis of thee," the girl said confidently.
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"
Two little boys were visiting their grandfather, and he took them to a restaurant for lunch. They couldn't make up their minds about what they wanted to eat. Finally the grandfather grinned at the server and said, "Just bring them bread and water." One of the little boys looked up and quavered, "Can I have ketchup on it?"
A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
Our parish priest was making a visit to my nephew's home. He knocked on the door, and the little 4-year-old boy went to the door and saw the priest. He called to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for God is here!"
My 2 1/2-year-old niece, Kelli, went with her neighbor girl to church for First Communion practice. The pastor has the children cup their hands, and when he gives them the Host - in this case, a piece of bread - he says: "God be with you." Apparently this made quite an impression on my niece. She came home and told her mother to cup her hands and bend down. Kelli took a piece of bread from her sandwich, placed it in her mother's hands, and whispered, in her most angelic voice: "God will get you."
We set out our creche for the holidays, and my 5-year-old daughter, Laura, was watching me put all of the figurines in it - especially baby Jesus. I explained what a manger was - that they didn't have a crib for him, so they had to lay a blanket on the hay and put him there. She thought about that for a minute, and then she looked at me and said, "Mom, did they have to use a manger for his car seat, too?"
I took Allison to the doctor for her 2-year-old check. They had her do coordination tests, like stacking blocks, and they watch and see if they walk properly. And then the doctor said, "Allison, can you stand on one foot for me?" And she walked over and stood on his foot.
My son has a pet iguana, and he took it to school to show some of the other kids. If you've ever seen an iguana, they have a large flap of skin that hangs down from their neck, and it's called dewlap. The kids were asking what it was, and he explained, and a little girl in his class said, "Oh! My grandma has one of those."
I have two sons, ages 8 & 4, and they were discussing Adam and Eve. The 8-year-old asked: "How did Adam and Eve die?" And the 4-year-old said: "They ate bad fruit."
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
Another three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
"Can people predict the future with cards?" one little girl asked another. "My mother can." was the reply. "Really?" asked the girl. "Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home."
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
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Dumb Criminals - Laugh Break, May 6 2012
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.
Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighbourhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
The District Attorney requested all the robbery victims to come to the police station to study a lineup of five people. He placed his suspect at the end of the line. Then he asked each to step forward and say, "Give me all your money... and I need some change in quarters, nickels and dimes." The first four did it right. However, when it was the last man's turn to recite, he broke the case by blurting out, "That isn't what I said."
In Nashville, they tell of Fred "Junior" Williams, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.
In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right guy when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters.
In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid I.D. in a 7-Eleven robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.
Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, "Yeah, that's the woman I robbed."
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants," said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

Joke of the Month, Sep 6 2009
Joke of the Month
......
He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?" The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before." The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.
Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor" JOKE OF THE MONTH ARCHIVES December Joke of the Month November Joke of the Month October Joke of the Month September Joke of the Month August Joke of the Month July Joke of the Month June Joke of the Month May Joke of the Month April Joke of the Month March Joke of the Month February Joke of the Month January Joke of the Month • Joke of the Month Winners 2005
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Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? - Laugh Break, May 6 2012
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? - Laugh Break
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
To get to the other side.
For the greater good.
It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken "crossed" the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom have we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended it.
To die. In the rain.
It was an instinctive maneuver. The chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.
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Seinfeld Monologues - Laugh Break, May 6 2012
With any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is, I always seem to get competitive. Remember when you were in school and they'd do those hearing tests? And you'd really be listening hard, you know? I wanted to do unbelievable on the hearing test. I wanted them to come over to me after and go, "We think you may have something close to super-hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt. We're sending the results to Washington, we'd like you to meet the President."
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
I'm on the plane, we left late, and the pilot says, "We're going to be making up some time in the air." I thought, "Isn't that interesting. They just make up time." That's why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing the speed of the aircraft. Now my question is, if you can go faster, why don't you just go as fast as you can all the time? "Come on, they're no cops up here! Nail it! Give it some gas! We're flying!"
The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. You ever fly standby? It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, "Bye."
Then there's the psychiatrist. Why is that with the psychiatrist every hour is only fifty minutes? What do they do with the ten minutes that they have left? Do they just sit there going, "Boy that guy was crazy. I couldn't believe the things he was saying. What a nut. Who's coming in next? Oh no, another head case."
Talk-show hosts never seem to have any idea how much time is left in the show, you know? They're always looking off camera, "Do we have time? Are we out of time? How are we doing on time?" You never see Magnum P.I. go, "Should I strangle this guy or are we gonna take a break here? Can you stay for another beating? I'll tell you what, I'll bop him in the head, we'll do a commercial, we'll come back, I'll drive in the car real fast. Stay with us."
The main difference between the man's wallet and the woman's wallet is the photo section. Women carry with them a photograph of every person they've ever met every day in their whole life since the beginning of time. And every picture's out of date. "Here's my cousin, 3 years old, she's in the Marines now. This is my dog, he died during the Carter administration." They get stopped by a cop, no license and registration. "Here's my fifty-six people who know me." Cop goes, "Alright ma'am, just wanted to make sure you had some friends. Move it along. Routine pal check."
I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."
Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant, they put the check in the little book. What is this, the story of the bill? "Once upon a time somebody ordered a salad." There's a little gold tassel hanging down. Am I graduating from the restaurant? Should I put this on the rearview mirror of my Camaro?
One thing I love about living in New York is it's every different type of person piled one on top of the other. I am for open immigration, but that sign we have in the front of the Statue of Liberty, "Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." Can't we just say, "Hey, the door's open. We'll take whoever you got." Do we have to specify "The wretched refuse?" Why not just say, "Give us the unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly, the people that can't drive, people that have trouble merging, if they can't stay in their lane, if they don't signal, they can't parallel park, if they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if they have bad penmanship, if they don't return calls, if they have dandruff, food between their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no credit, missed a spot shaving... In other words, any dysfunctional, defective slob that you can somehow cattle prod onto a wagon, send them over. We want them."
Sunday's paper is the worst. Weekend. You want to relax. "Oh, by the way, here's a thousand pages of information you had no idea about." How can they tell you everything they know about every single day of the week and then have this much left over on Sunday when nothing's going on?

How To Attend A Meeting - Laugh Break, May 6 2012
To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties. Ask among your coworkers. "Hi," you should say. "I'm a new employee. What is the name of my job?" If they answer "long-range planner" or "lieutenant governor," you are pretty much free to lounge around and do crossword puzzles until retirement. Most jobs, however, will require some work.
Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving primarily No. 2, going to meetings, as soon as possible, because that's where the real prestige is. It is all very well and good to be able to take phone messages, but you are never going to get a position of power, a position where you can cost thousands of people their jobs with a single bonehead decision, unless you learn how to attend meetings.
The first meeting ever was held back in the Mezzanine Era. In those days, Man's job was to slay his prey and bring it home for Woman, who had to figure out how to cook it. The problem was, Man was slow and basically naked, whereas the prey had warm fur and could run like an antelope. (In fact it was an antelope, only nobody knew this).
At last someone said, "Maybe if we just sat down and did some brainstorming, we could come up with a better way to hunt our prey!" It went extremely well, plus it was much warmer sitting in a circle, so they agreed to meet again the next day, and the next.
But the women pointed out that, prey-wise, the men had not produced anything, and the human race was pretty much starving. The men agreed that was serious and said they would put it right near the top of their "agenda." At this point, the women, who were primitive but not stupid, started eating plants, and thus modern agriculture was born. It never would have happened without meetings.
The modern business meeting, however, might better be compared with a funeral, in the sense that you have a gathering of people who are wearing uncomfortable clothing and would rather be somewhere else. The major difference is that most funerals have a definite purpose. Also, nothing is really ever buried in a meeting.
An idea may look dead, but it will always reappear at another meeting later on. If you have ever seen the movie "Night of the Living Dead," you have a rough idea of how modern meetings operate, with projects and proposals that everyone thought were killed rising up constantly from their graves to stagger back into meetings and eat the brains of the living.
1. Meetings that are held for basically the same reason that Arbor Day is observed - namely, tradition. For example, a lot of managerial people like to meet on Monday, because it's Monday. You'll get used to it. You'd better, because this kind account for 83% of all meetings (based on a study in which I wrote down numbers until one of them looked about right). This type of meeting operates the way "Show and Tell" does in nursery school, with everyone getting to say something, the difference being that in nursery school, the kids actually have something to say.
When it's your turn, you should say that you're still working on whatever it is you're supposed to be working on. This may seem pretty dumb, since obviously you'd be working on whatever you're supposed to be working on, and even if you weren't, you'd claim you were, but that's the traditional thing for everyone to say. It would be a lot faster if the person running the meeting would just say, "Everyone who is still working on what he or she is supposed to be working on, raise your hand." You'd be out of there in five minutes, even allowing for jokes. But this is not how we do it in America. My guess is, it's how they do it in Japan.
2. Meetings where there is some alleged purpose. These are trickier, because what you do depends on what the purpose is. Sometimes the purpose is harmless, like someone wants to show slides of pie charts and give everyone a big, fat report. All you have to do in this kind of meeting is sit there and make up elaborate fantasies, then take the report back to your office and throw it away, unless, of course, you're a vice president, in which case you write the name of a subordinate in the upper right hand corner, followed by a question mark, like this "Norm?" Then you send it to Norm and forget all about it. (Although it will plague Norm for the rest of his career.)
But sometimes you go to meetings where the purpose is to get your "input" on something. This is very serious because what it means is, they want to make sure that in case whatever it is turns out to be stupid or fatal, you'll get some of the blame, so you have to escape from the meeting before they get around to asking you anything. One way is to set fire to your tie.
Another is to have an accomplice interrupt the meeting and announce that you have a phone call from someone very important, such as the president of the company or the Pope. It should be one or the other, however, not both. It would a sound fishy if the accomplice said, "You have a call from the president of the company, or the Pope."
You should know how to take notes at a meeting. Use a yellow legal pad. At the top, write the date and underline it twice. Now wait until an important person, such as your boss, starts talking; when he does, look at him with an expression of enraptured interest, as though he is revealing the secrets of life itself. Then draw interlocking rectangles. If it is an especially lengthy meeting, you can draw more elaborate doodles and maybe even a caricature of the boss.
If somebody falls asleep in a meeting, have everyone else leave the room. Then collect a group of total strangers, right of the street, and have them sit around the sleeping person until he wakes up. Then have one of them say to him, "Bob, your plan is very, very risky. However, you've given us no choice but to try it. I only hope, for your sake, that you know what you're getting yourself into." Then they should file quietly out of the room.

Comedy Links Directory: Worst of the Web, Sep 6 2009
Comedy Links Directory: Worst of the Web
Search the entire directory only this category Advanced Search
Home > Worst of the Web Worst of the Web (Subscribe) Links 1 of 2 2 of 2 All the Best Drinking Stories
(4 votes) Have you ever woke up and said "Where’s my clothes and what am I doing in the girl’s dorm"? Well you’ve come to the right place. Review It
def one of the worst ive seen in a while Review It
(2 votes) A tasteless spoof of Mothers Against Drunk Drivers. Keep moms at home where they belong, stop drinking and driving because you might spill some, prevent other alcohol abuse like returning the keg before it's empty. Review It
(3 votes) Home of the most offensive t-shirts on the internet? Don't believe me... see for yourself! Bet you won't show your mom the web site! Review It
Fire hydrant for puppy training or house training a dog. Attractive wooden lawn ornament saves the lawn from brown spots caused byt dog urine. Review It
(15 votes) Fanatical and completely unnecessary coverage about a football club by a football club. It is for your entertainment, and part of our master plan to take over the football world. Review It
Flush The Web
(5 votes) The first ever search engine and web directory that lists only the worst sites on the web Review It
Lifestyles of the Southeast Texan
(93 votes) Lifestyles of the Southeast Texan - not all of us throw their trash in their yard. Some of us are quite respectable, but there are some whose pictures are on this website that don't give much thought to appearances. There are also pictures of the good side, just to show that not all of us fall into the trailer trash category. Review It
(15 votes) Welcome to Little Ottle Museum. Local agricultural implements, the most extensive fossil collection this side of Risby-on-the-Nave. Not one, but THREE medieval woolforks. Plus a barometer. Whatever takes your fancy. Review It
(2 votes) Links to some of the saddest sites on the web. Review It
(39 votes) Pushin Daisies offers everything relating to the mortuary business, from the funny to the bizarre. Items include deathly cool jewelry, casket and hearse cufflinks, chocolate coffins and caskets, miniature hearses, a skull or skeleton to suit every fancy, old embalming and hearse prints, five foot tall mummies, outrageous tee-shirts, videos, music cd's,and even dead roses for that, very special someone! This is truly a one-of-a-kind shop that offers novelties you can't find anywhere else. Review It
Rancidass - Smell of the Web
Sausagecemetery.com is the place to say thanks for all the benefit and joy sausages brought to us. Here you can give them a face. Review It
...limit of 20 lines reached, additional matching lines are not shown...

Comedy Links Directory: Worst of the Web, Sep 6 2009
Comedy Links Directory: Worst of the Web
Search the entire directory only this category Advanced Search
Home > Worst of the Web Worst of the Web (Subscribe) Links 1 of 2 2 of 2 All the Best Drinking Stories
(4 votes) Have you ever woke up and said "Where’s my clothes and what am I doing in the girl’s dorm"? Well you’ve come to the right place. Review It
def one of the worst ive seen in a while Review It
(2 votes) A tasteless spoof of Mothers Against Drunk Drivers. Keep moms at home where they belong, stop drinking and driving because you might spill some, prevent other alcohol abuse like returning the keg before it's empty. Review It
(3 votes) Home of the most offensive t-shirts on the internet? Don't believe me... see for yourself! Bet you won't show your mom the web site! Review It
Fire hydrant for puppy training or house training a dog. Attractive wooden lawn ornament saves the lawn from brown spots caused byt dog urine. Review It
(15 votes) Fanatical and completely unnecessary coverage about a football club by a football club. It is for your entertainment, and part of our master plan to take over the football world. Review It
Flush The Web
(5 votes) The first ever search engine and web directory that lists only the worst sites on the web Review It
Lifestyles of the Southeast Texan
(93 votes) Lifestyles of the Southeast Texan - not all of us throw their trash in their yard. Some of us are quite respectable, but there are some whose pictures are on this website that don't give much thought to appearances. There are also pictures of the good side, just to show that not all of us fall into the trailer trash category. Review It
(15 votes) Welcome to Little Ottle Museum. Local agricultural implements, the most extensive fossil collection this side of Risby-on-the-Nave. Not one, but THREE medieval woolforks. Plus a barometer. Whatever takes your fancy. Review It
(2 votes) Links to some of the saddest sites on the web. Review It
(39 votes) Pushin Daisies offers everything relating to the mortuary business, from the funny to the bizarre. Items include deathly cool jewelry, casket and hearse cufflinks, chocolate coffins and caskets, miniature hearses, a skull or skeleton to suit every fancy, old embalming and hearse prints, five foot tall mummies, outrageous tee-shirts, videos, music cd's,and even dead roses for that, very special someone! This is truly a one-of-a-kind shop that offers novelties you can't find anywhere else. Review It
Rancidass - Smell of the Web
Sausagecemetery.com is the place to say thanks for all the benefit and joy sausages brought to us. Here you can give them a face. Review It
...limit of 20 lines reached, additional matching lines are not shown...

Eric Morecambe : Comedian Profile, Sep 6 2009
......
Eric took his stage name from the seaside resort of Morecambe in Lancashire, England, his home town.
In his leisure time, Morecambe was a keen birdwatcher, and the statue of him at Morecambe shows him wearing his binoculars. He was also an enthusiastic football fan and a director of Luton Town F.C.. Morecambe also had a love of Long John Silver impressions, which never left him through his life (one can be seen in the 'Monty on the Bonty' sketch with Arthur Lowe).
His mother, Sadie, was determined to see her only child make a success of his life, and took work as a waitress to raise funds for his dancing lessons. Eric did not enjoy these lessons at the time, although they were to come in handy during his later life.
During this period, Eric Bartholomew (the John having been dropped more or less from birth) won numerous talent contests, most notably in Hoylake in 1939, the prize for which was an audition with Jack Hylton. Also present was another young talent named Ernest Wiseman, already a familiar voice from Arthur Askey's radio series "Bandwagon". This was the first meeting of what was to become one of Britain's most loved comedy partnerships, although it was to be a further two years before they would team up.
Three months after the audition, Hylton invited Eric to join a revue called "Youth Takes A Bow" at the Nottingham Empire, where, once more, he encountered Ernie. The two soon became close friends, and, under Sadie's encouragement, started to develop a double act. When the two were eventually allowed to perform their double act on stage (in addition to their solo spots), Hylton was impressed enough to make it a regular feature in the revue.
After the war, they made their name on radio, before arriving on television in 1955. They appeared together in many series such as Two of A Kind. There were also a number of Christmas specials. They were well-regarded and their reputation enabled them to garner a number of prestigious guests including Angela Rippon, Princess Anne, Cliff Richard, Glenda Jackson, Tom Jones, Elton John and even the then Prime Minister Harold Wilson.
Des O'Connor was frequently the butt of their humour.
The celebrities were generally humiliated by the pair, and especially by Eric's playful insults, undermining the status of the celebrities, joking that they're "Rubbish" and pretending not to recognise them.
Of all the comedy acts produced by Britain, Morecambe and Wise are perhaps the best loved and most fondly remembered. They were arguably the first truly great double act in Britain. Many have highlighted the genuine affection Eric and Ernie had for one other, which shone through Braben's material. Their enjoyment of their work was picked up by the audience who regarded them as friends as well as entertainers.
The humour was largely derived from their on-stage relationship, especially in their work with Eddie Braben at the BBC. Eric was regarded as the funny man, although this was one of the most equal partnerships of all time. He constantly poked fun of Ernie's appearance, but there was clearly great affection between the two.
In sketches, Eric frequently appeared playing the piano (badly), most notably in the famous "Grieg's Piano Concerto" sketch, featuring Andre Previn (who only had a few hours to learn his part). Eric's favourite catch phrase was "What do you think of the show so far? - Rubbish!" which became a favourite with imitators everywhere.
A larger-than-life statue of Eric was unveiled by the Queen at Morecambe in 1999.
In 1999 Eric Morecambe was voted the funniest person of the 20th Century in an internet poll. Eric pulled in 26% of the votes, beating Tommy Cooper and John Cleese to the coveted position.
A West End show, The Play What I Wrote, appeared in 2001 as a tribute to the duo. Directed by Kenneth Branagh, each performance featured a different guest celebrity, including Kylie Minogue, who was said to be particularly keen to participate. Bizarrely, the show later transferred, with some success, to Broadway, only moderately rewritten to allow for the fact that Eric & Ernie were virtually unknown in the U.S.
The show toured the UK in 2003.
In 2003, Eric's eldest son Gary released "Life's not Hollywood, it's Cricklewood", a biography of his Father from the point of view of his family, using family photos and extracts from previously unseen diaries. The book revealed Morecambe as a toned down version of his on-screen persona, prone to occasional bouts of mild depression and overworking.
......

The Gift That Keeps On Giving - Laugh Break, May 6 2012
The Gift That Keeps On Giving - Laugh Break
The Gift That Keeps On Giving
Roy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years - and each time the package gets harder to open. This year the pants came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube. The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin. Now Collette's plotting his revenge - if he can get them out.
It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin trousers from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville, Illinois. Kunkel's mother had given her son the britches when he was a college student. He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold weather and he didn't like them. So he gave them to Collette. Collette, who called the moleskins "miserable," wore them three times, then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for Christmas the next year.
The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted the pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube and gave them back to Kunkel. The next Christmas, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch square, wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale" to Collette. Not to be outdone, the next year Collette put the pants into a 2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel.
The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But they were as careful as they were clever.
Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette. Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a 5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel the following Christmas. Two years ago, Kunkel installed the pants in a 225 pound homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette's name on the side. Collette had some trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch.
Last Christmas, Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who is the plant manager for Viracon's outlet in Bensenville.
Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a car with 95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment. "This will take some planning," Collette said.
"I will definitely get them out. I'm confident." But he's waiting until January to think about how to recover the bothersome britches.
"Wait until next year," he warned. "I'm on the offensive again."

Duck Hunting With Dynamite - Laugh Break, May 6 2012
A guy buys a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000+, and has a little over $400 in monthly payments. He's pretty proud of this rig and gets a hold of his friend to do some male bonding with the new ride.
They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two bright boys go to the lake with their guns, the dog, beer and, of course, the new Jeep.
They drive out on to the ice. They want to create a natural landing area to attract ducks - something the decoys will float on. Remember it's all ice and in order to make a hole large enough to interest a flock of ducks and a hole big enough to entice ducks to land, they needed to use a little more than an ice hole drill...
Sooo, out of the back of the brand-new Jeep Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40-second fuse. Now, to their credit, these two rocket scientists DID take into consideration that if they placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) would be waiting and ran back quickly, they would risk slipping on the ice as they ran from the imminent explosion and could possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. After a little deliberation, they come up with something less than a great idea of THROWING the dynamite, which is what they end up doing.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the beer, the guns, AND THE DOG????? Yes, the dog. The driver's black Labrador Retriever (used for retrieving - especially things thrown by the owner). You guessed it - the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice, reaching the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice - all to the woe of the two idiots who are now yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the heck to do now...
The dog is happy and now heads back towards the "hunters" with the stick of dynamite. I think we all can picture the ever-increasing concern on the part of the brain trust as the loyal Lab approaches. Finally, one of the guys decides to think - something that neither had done before this moment. He grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. This sounds better than it really is because the shotgun was loaded with #8 duckshot and hardly effective enough to stop a Lab. The dog DID stop for a moment, slightly confused, but then continued on. Another shot and this time the dog - still standing - became REALLY confused and of course scared.
The pooch takes off to find cover with a now extremely short fuse still burning on the stick of dynamite. The cover the dog finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee worth 30-some thousand dollars, the $400.00+ monthly payment vehicle that is sitting nearby on the lake ice. BOOM!
Dog dies, vehicle sinks to bottom of lake, and these two "Co-Leaders of the Universe" are left standing there with the well known "Uh-oh" look on their faces.
When the owner of the vehicle called his insurance company he was informed that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT covered on his policy. The best part is that he had yet to make his first car payment.

Cow Politics 101 - Laugh Break, May 6 2012
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering,intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
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A Bad Day - Laugh Break, May 6 2012
The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.
The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street.
While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.

Comedy Links Directory: Festivals and Events, Oct 6 2009
Search the entire directory only this category Advanced Search
(1 vote) The 1999 Sydney Comedy Festival official site. Review It
europe's most succesfull comedy event up in the snowy swiss mountains - come and join us! 6-15th december 2002 Review It
Official website of the UK Comic Relief charity. An annual TV bash and loads of other good work throughout the year help us to raise £millions for deserving charities. Review It
The comedy group you have to come see. These guys are nuts and super hilarious. They do skits, stand up, improv and their slap stick is on roids.If you have an event going you got to book these guys. (951)684-FISH. Review It
This site is your guide to the annual Edinburgh festival, often regarded as the festival to go to if you want to make it big in the UK. Review It
Hampton Roads Festival & Events Association(HRFEA) is to provide networking opportunities, event information and resources for Special Events professionals and organizations in the Hampton Roads Area Review It
(2 votes) Canadian site featuring Groupe Juste pour rire and the world's largest comedy event - the Festival Juste pour rire/Just For Laughs Festival, held every year in Montreal. Review It
(209 votes) The Stardust hotel/casino is proud to present The Las Vegas Comedy Festival September 4-8, 2002! Over 100 of your favorite sitcom stars and comedians will be present! Seminars, industry professionals, and comedy club owners will be attending this one of a kind comedy event. Everyone is welcome! Review It
(5 votes) Information about the annual Laugh Across America comedy festival. Review It
Las Vegas comedian Michael Petit, who was also a regular on Comedy Centrals Make Me Laugh will be live in concert on Friday June 27, 2003 at the Regent Theater in Arlington, MA. The concert is being filmed for an upcoming TV Special.
Just click on www.escapetv.tv for further information about Michael Petit plus, the concert/video production. Review It
Original Sketch and Improv Comedy with a message. The "Off the wall" humor will keep you laughing way after they have left the stage! Book them today! Offhand Remedy is Medicine for the Soul. Review It
(20 votes) Monthly comedy night in London's Soho, plus Fun Club appearances around the country. Sketches, stand-up, music and fun. "A night of comedy in a pub". Review It
"The best little comedy festival in the world" The Guardian 2004 Review It
The Boston Comedy Festival
(5 votes) The Boston Comedy Festival is the worlds fastest growing comedy Festival. It has grown 300 % in the last year featuring over 250 comedians from around the world in a vastly diversified feild comedy.The Ulitimate comedy contest gave away $10,000 in prize money and drew new talent from around the world. 30,000 people logged on to see the opening gala at the Emerson Majestic Theatre and The Boston Comedy festival is planning to make the 2002 festival even more memorable. Review It
The New Zealand Comedy Dogs
Get interactive and use the web to help co-produce this 2002 Laugh Festival show. Review It
The York Comedy Festival
...limit of 20 lines reached, additional matching lines are not shown...

Comedy Links Directory: Festivals and Events, Sep 6 2009
Search the entire directory only this category Advanced Search
(1 vote) The 1999 Sydney Comedy Festival official site. Review It
europe's most succesfull comedy event up in the snowy swiss mountains - come and join us! 6-15th december 2002 Review It
Official website of the UK Comic Relief charity. An annual TV bash and loads of other good work throughout the year help us to raise £millions for deserving charities. Review It
The comedy group you have to come see. These guys are nuts and super hilarious. They do skits, stand up, improv and their slap stick is on roids.If you have an event going you got to book these guys. (951)684-FISH. Review It
This site is your guide to the annual Edinburgh festival, often regarded as the festival to go to if you want to make it big in the UK. Review It
Hampton Roads Festival & Events Association(HRFEA) is to provide networking opportunities, event information and resources for Special Events professionals and organizations in the Hampton Roads Area Review It
(2 votes) Canadian site featuring Groupe Juste pour rire and the world's largest comedy event - the Festival Juste pour rire/Just For Laughs Festival, held every year in Montreal. Review It
(209 votes) The Stardust hotel/casino is proud to present The Las Vegas Comedy Festival September 4-8, 2002! Over 100 of your favorite sitcom stars and comedians will be present! Seminars, industry professionals, and comedy club owners will be attending this one of a kind comedy event. Everyone is welcome! Review It
(5 votes) Information about the annual Laugh Across America comedy festival. Review It
Las Vegas comedian Michael Petit, who was also a regular on Comedy Centrals Make Me Laugh will be live in concert on Friday June 27, 2003 at the Regent Theater in Arlington, MA. The concert is being filmed for an upcoming TV Special.
Just click on www.escapetv.tv for further information about Michael Petit plus, the concert/video production. Review It
Original Sketch and Improv Comedy with a message. The "Off the wall" humor will keep you laughing way after they have left the stage! Book them today! Offhand Remedy is Medicine for the Soul. Review It
(20 votes) Monthly comedy night in London's Soho, plus Fun Club appearances around the country. Sketches, stand-up, music and fun. "A night of comedy in a pub". Review It
"The best little comedy festival in the world" The Guardian 2004 Review It
The Boston Comedy Festival
(5 votes) The Boston Comedy Festival is the worlds fastest growing comedy Festival. It has grown 300 % in the last year featuring over 250 comedians from around the world in a vastly diversified feild comedy.The Ulitimate comedy contest gave away $10,000 in prize money and drew new talent from around the world. 30,000 people logged on to see the opening gala at the Emerson Majestic Theatre and The Boston Comedy festival is planning to make the 2002 festival even more memorable. Review It
The New Zealand Comedy Dogs
Get interactive and use the web to help co-produce this 2002 Laugh Festival show. Review It
The York Comedy Festival
...limit of 20 lines reached, additional matching lines are not shown...

Comedy Links Directory: Festivals and Events, Sep 6 2009
Search the entire directory only this category Advanced Search
(1 vote) The 1999 Sydney Comedy Festival official site. Review It
europe's most succesfull comedy event up in the snowy swiss mountains - come and join us! 6-15th december 2002 Review It
Official website of the UK Comic Relief charity. An annual TV bash and loads of other good work throughout the year help us to raise £millions for deserving charities. Review It
The comedy group you have to come see. These guys are nuts and super hilarious. They do skits, stand up, improv and their slap stick is on roids.If you have an event going you got to book these guys. (951)684-FISH. Review It
This site is your guide to the annual Edinburgh festival, often regarded as the festival to go to if you want to make it big in the UK. Review It
Hampton Roads Festival & Events Association(HRFEA) is to provide networking opportunities, event information and resources for Special Events professionals and organizations in the Hampton Roads Area Review It
(2 votes) Canadian site featuring Groupe Juste pour rire and the world's largest comedy event - the Festival Juste pour rire/Just For Laughs Festival, held every year in Montreal. Review It
(209 votes) The Stardust hotel/casino is proud to present The Las Vegas Comedy Festival September 4-8, 2002! Over 100 of your favorite sitcom stars and comedians will be present! Seminars, industry professionals, and comedy club owners will be attending this one of a kind comedy event. Everyone is welcome! Review It
(5 votes) Information about the annual Laugh Across America comedy festival. Review It
Las Vegas comedian Michael Petit, who was also a regular on Comedy Centrals Make Me Laugh will be live in concert on Friday June 27, 2003 at the Regent Theater in Arlington, MA. The concert is being filmed for an upcoming TV Special.
Just click on www.escapetv.tv for further information about Michael Petit plus, the concert/video production. Review It
Original Sketch and Improv Comedy with a message. The "Off the wall" humor will keep you laughing way after they have left the stage! Book them today! Offhand Remedy is Medicine for the Soul. Review It
(20 votes) Monthly comedy night in London's Soho, plus Fun Club appearances around the country. Sketches, stand-up, music and fun. "A night of comedy in a pub". Review It
"The best little comedy festival in the world" The Guardian 2004 Review It
The Boston Comedy Festival
(5 votes) The Boston Comedy Festival is the worlds fastest growing comedy Festival. It has grown 300 % in the last year featuring over 250 comedians from around the world in a vastly diversified feild comedy.The Ulitimate comedy contest gave away $10,000 in prize money and drew new talent from around the world. 30,000 people logged on to see the opening gala at the Emerson Majestic Theatre and The Boston Comedy festival is planning to make the 2002 festival even more memorable. Review It
The New Zealand Comedy Dogs
Get interactive and use the web to help co-produce this 2002 Laugh Festival show. Review It
The York Comedy Festival
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Butterball Turkey Talk Line - Laugh Break, May 6 2012
Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff has had their share of memorable calls - inquiries that stand out from the crowd because they're heartwarming or amusing. vWe asked some of the veteran staff members to tell us their favorites; plus, we rounded up a bunch of our own personal favorites from the Talk-Line archives. vIt's hard to beat the call from a trucker who planned to cook his Thanksgiving turkey on the engine of his truck ("Will it cook faster if I drive faster?"), but some of these come pretty close.
WARNING: Do not attempt to adjust your screen - these are real incidents, true stories - from the front lines!
Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her Chihuahua jumped into the bird's body cavity and couldn't get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and more distraught. After calming the woman down, the Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider. It worked and Fido was freed!
Birdie, eagle and turkey? Roasting a turkey doesn't have to interfere with the daily routine, so said a retired Floridian. He called "TurkeyCentral" for turkey grilling tips while waiting to tee off from the 14th hole.
Taking turkey preparation an extra step, a Virginian wondered, "How do you thaw a fresh turkey?" The Talk-Line staffer explained that fresh turkeys aren't frozen and don't need to be thawed.
Don't wait until the last minute! On Thanksgiving Day, a Georgian woman took the "Be prepared" motto to heart. She had just agreed to host Thanksgiving Dinner and called the Talk-Line a year ahead of time for turkey tips.
Happy Thanksgiving, President Clinton! A Southern woman called to comment, "On Thanksgiving Day, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is more important than the President. He can take the day off, but the Talk-Line staff can't." (The Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is open Thanksgiving Day, 6 am to 6 pm, CST.)
Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, "I don't know, it's still running around outside."
White meat, anyone? A West Coast woman took turkey preparation to extremes by scrubbing her bird with bleach. Afterward, she called the Talk-Line to find out how to clean off the bleach. To her dismay, she was advised to dispose of the turkey.
A young girl called on behalf of her mother who needed roasting advice. To provide approximate roasting times, the home economist asked what size the turkey was. Without asking her mother the little girl paused, then replied, "Medium."
A novice turkey-cooking chef wanted to know if the yellow netting and wrapper around the turkey should be removed before roasting. Envisioning a melted plastic turkey blob, the home economist responded, "Yes," then offered complete roasting directions.
Then there's the time a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

www.kidsjokes.co.uk | Privacy Policy, May 6 2012
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Crime Doesn't Pay - Laugh Break, May 6 2012
It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stickup. Put all your muny in this bag," on a deposit slip. While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it, and surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick-up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK," and left the Wells Fargo Bank. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police, who arrested the man a few minutes later. He was waiting in line back at the Bank of America!
Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked, fled & left the chain still attached to the machine & their bumper (license plate still attached).
IN THE BAG
A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, made idle chatter at the customs counter. The customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was & asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. He provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" His partner moved & the startled first bandit shot him.
A man in Orange County was ticketed for driving alone in the car pool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in his mortuary van should be counted. The judge ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.
A woman charged with a traffic violation stated her occupation as school teacher. The judge rose from the bench, "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court. Now sit at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."
A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.
A lawyer defended a man accused of burglary with: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Weird Al Q&A - Laugh Break, May 6 2012
Actual questions asked of Weird Al by fans, and his responses taken from the "Ask Al" section of www.weirdal.com
I have very mixed feelings about it. On one hand, I'm concerned that the rampant downloading of my copyright-protected material over the Internet is severely eating into my album sales and having a decidedly adverse effect on my career. On the other hand, I can get all the Metallica songs I want for FREE! WOW!!!!!
What is the first thing you notice about a person?
Hey Al, why don't you use a headset microphone on stage instead of the regular microphones?
I was just wondering, was there a specific reason why you chose to write the song "My Baby's in Love With Eddie Vedder" about Eddie Vedder?
Well, with a title like that, it would have been pretty stupid if I wrote the song about somebody else, wouldn't it?
The live video Rocks!!!! Will you ever make a live album?
Here's a little secret - I've already released a live album! In fact, it's secretly encoded in every single copy of the "'Weird Al' Yankovic - Live!" video. All you have to do to access it is to put the video in your VCR, press "Play," and then turn your head away from the TV so that you can't see the screen. Voila! Live album!
Have you ever thought of recording an album under a different name the way that Garth Brooks did with his Chris Gaines album?
Yes, I've been releasing cheesy new age albums under the name "Yanni" for years. It started out as a joke, but people have just been eating it up!
How do you and the band, as warm-climate natives, manage to survive and stay warm when touring the northern U.S and Canada?
I thought it would be the easiest way to get rid of my moustache.
Who was your favorite New Kid on the Block?
Yes. During the filming of "UHF," we were also co-stars!
I was just admiring the artwork on your debut album when I noticed something. All of the songs on the album have a drawing associated with them on the cover. Am I the only one who has noticed this?
Looking at the video for "The Saga Begins," I noticed that Al's hands didn't change key while playing the guitar. Is this because Al doesn't play the guitar, and just wanted it for show?
The new James Bond movie is called "The World Is Not Enough". Now, take the first letter in each of those words. TWINE. Any thoughts?
Why aren't any of the of the songs from "Bad Hair Day" on Greatest Hits?
You know, we WOULD have put them on there, except for the fact that "Bad Hair Day" came out several years after "Greatest Hits."
Can you name any of the songs on your new album?
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Rules for Bank Robbers - Laugh Break, May 6 2012
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. For instance it is reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, this advice is offered to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon."
5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.
6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.
7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly-solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places - as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.
10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.

Peter Sellers : Comedian Profile, Sep 6 2009
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Probably following his family in the variety circuit, Sellers learnt this popular yet difficult art and the immediate instinct of the "gag". He was an incredibly versatile artist: an excellent dancer, a skillful player of the ukulele and banjo, and a drummer good enough to tour with several jazz bands. He is known to have performed at the Windmill Theatre.
During World War II, Sellers was an airman in the Royal Air Force, rising to corporal by the end of the war. During his leisure periods, he did impersonations of his superiors. This helped Sellers in his later film Dr. Strangelove.
Sellers' success was quite slow in coming. He phoned up a television producer pretending to be Kenneth Horne, who was currently in the show Much Binding in the Marsh, in order to get them to speak to him. Success came as one of the goons on the radio programme The Goon Show with fellow comedians Spike Milligan, Harry Secombe and Michael Bentine and was followed by early television work.
Sellers' first film successes were in British comedy films, including The Ladykillers (1955), I'm All Right Jack (1959) and The Mouse That Roared (1959); however, he is most famous for his role as the bungling Inspector Clouseau in the Pink Panther movies, which gave him a worldwide audience. The movie The Trail of the Pink Panther was released posthumously in 1982, containing previously unused footage of Sellers. Sellers' widow Lynne Frederick later successfully sued the film's producers.
Sellers was launched internationally with the hit "The Millionairess". In Stanley Kubrick's Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb he notably played the triple role consisting of President Merkin Muffley of the United States, Dr. Strangelove, and Group Captain Lionel Mandrake of the RAF (the first two appearing in the same room throughout the film).
He was remarkably versatile, switching easily from brilliant themes as in The Party, to more intense performances as in Lolita (from Vladimir Nabokov's notorious novel).
Sellers' career slumped in the early 1970s but after reviving the Clouseau character he was able to produce his cherished project Being There in 1979, winning his best reviews since the 1960s, as well as his second Academy Award nomination.
With Sophia Loren Sellers recorded the top 10 UK single "Goodness Gracious Me".
Sellers was married four times, his first to actress Anne Howe ended after she claimed he was having an affair with Sophia Loren though Loren has maintained that Sellers had become obsessed with her but it was not reciprocated. His second marriage was to the Swedish actress Britt Ekland. In 1970 he married Miranda Quarry.
His wife at the time of his death was Lynne Frederick, who later married Sir David Frost. Sellers was also a close friend of Princess Margaret.
Another interesting trait was his love for cars; he was believed to have owned and sold a few tens of different cars by the late sixties. This was briefly parodied in a fleeting cameo in the short film Simon Simon, directed by his colleague Graham Stark.
Sellers died at age 54 of a heart attack on July 24, 1980, in London, England, having already suffered a near-fatal heart attack in 1964 at the age of 38.
At the time of his death, he was due to undergo heart surgery. He was cremated. His premature death was perhaps hastened by his belief in so called "quack medicine", including psychic surgery. In his will Sellers explicitly requested that Glenn Miller's song "In The Mood" be played for his funeral. The request is considered his last touch of humour; his friends knew he deeply hated the song.
Roger Lewis wrote about the "madness" and bizarre behavior of Sellers in his biography, The Life and Death of Peter Sellers (Applause Books, 1997).
Lewis' biography was adapted for the HBO movie, The Life and Death of Peter Sellers (2004), with Geoffrey Rush in the title role.
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