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Looking for Car in entire archive - Found 107 matches in 70 files
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If Microsoft Built Cars - Laugh Break, Apr 6 2012
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

Carjacking Foilded - Laugh Break, Apr 6 2012
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon return, found four males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required: so get out of the car. The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.
Small problem: Her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly white woman; no charges were filed.

Car Burglary in the UK - Laugh Break, Apr 6 2012
Car Burglary in the UK - Laugh Break
Car Burglary in the UK
One of our local Members of Parliament (Gillian Shephard) paid a visit to Norwich jail to inspect the place and after her tour of the prison, she was shown to her chauffeur-driven car by the Governor, whereupon it was discovered that the chauffeur had inadvertently left the keys in the car and he was unable to open the doors. There was much embarrassment until the Governor of Norwich jail came up with a splendid idea.
"We have plenty inside here who are doing time for car burglary. Shall I get one?"

Comedy Links Directory: Greetings and Funny Cards, Sep 6 2009
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Actual Accident Summaries - Laugh Break, Apr 6 2012
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I collided with a stationary car going the other way.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

Dumb Criminals - Laugh Break, Apr 6 2012
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighbourhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid I.D. in a 7-Eleven robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.
Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, "Yeah, that's the woman I robbed."

Designated D... - Laugh Break, Apr 6 2012
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

AAADD - Laugh Break, Apr 6 2012
I decide to wash the car. I start toward the garage and I notice the mail on the table. Ok, I'm going to wash the car, but first I'm going to go through the mail.
I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trash can is full. Ok, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trash can out. But since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first.
The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys! When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!!

TV Comedy Programmes: C, Sep 6 2009
...... A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | PQ | R | S | T | U | V | W | XYZ C • C.P.O. Sharkey (US) • Cabbage Patch, The (UK) • Call Me Sam (UK) • Can We Get On Now, Please? (UK) • Candid Camera (US) • Cannon and Ball (UK) • Captain Butler (UK) • Car 54, Where Are You? (US) • Carol Burnett Show, The (US) • Carrie And Barry (UK) • Carrott's Lib (UK) • Carry On Laughing (UK) • Caxton's Tales (UK) • Celeb (UK) • Chalk (UK) • Chalk And Cheese (UK) • Chambers (UK) • Chance In A Million (UK) • Charge! (UK) • Charles in Charge (US) • Cheers (US) • Chef! (UK) • Chelmsford 123 (UK) • Chico and the Man (US) • Chintz (UK) • Citizen James (UK) • Citizen Smith (UK) • City Lights (UK) • Clairvoyant, The (UK) • Clarence (UK) • Class By Himself, A (UK) • Climber, The (UK) • Clochemerle (UK) • Close To Home (UK) • Coach (US) • Cockles (UK) • Cold Feet (UK) • Colin's Sandwich (UK) • Colonel Trumper's Private War (UK) • Come Back Mrs Noah (UK) • Comic Strip Presents..., The (UK) ...

Funny Travel Jokes, Road Rage and Humorous Driving Stories, Sep 6 2009
... Travel Jokes << Back to the Jokes Index | 1 | 2 | Next >> # Joke Title 1 A STRANGE COINCIDENCE 2 RIDING HIS BIKE 3 THE IMPORTED SPORTS CAR 4 VOICE ACTIVATED CAR RADIO 5 THE MULITCOLORED CAB 6 AIRLINE PILOT 7 IN A PACKED SUBWAY CAR 8 REAL STORIES REPORTED BY FLIGHT CREWS (10) 9 A FEW OF OUR FAVORITE DRIVING HABITS (10) 10 PARKING THE ROLLS 11 FLYING TWA 12 THE NEW YORK TAXI DRIVER 13 ROAD RAGE 14 LITTLE BOYS AND BIG CARS 15 PARKING IN THE WILD WEST 16 MOTORWAY BREAKDOWN 17 THREE MEN ON A PLANE 18 TEN WAYS TO MAKE DRIVING LESS BORING (10) 19 ...

The Gift That Keeps On Giving - Laugh Break, Apr 6 2012
Roy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years - and each time the package gets harder to open. This year the pants came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube. The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin. Now Collette's plotting his revenge - if he can get them out.
Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a car with 95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment. "This will take some planning," Collette said.

Travel Agent Stories - Laugh Break, Apr 6 2012
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

Dumb People - Laugh Break, Apr 6 2012
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Mentally Deprived People - Laugh Break, Apr 6 2012
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house, drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Darn! That's hot!" See... If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him...

Virus Warning! - Laugh Break, Apr 6 2012
It will eat all your food and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic. Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will seduce your grandmother.

Rules for Bank Robbers - Laugh Break, Apr 6 2012
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly-solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.

The Rolls - Laugh Break, Apr 6 2012
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

Doctor vs. Mechanic - Laugh Break, Apr 6 2012
Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon, Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey... Is dat you? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

Stella Awards - Laugh Break, Apr 6 2012
2. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Actual Signs - Laugh Break, Apr 6 2012
In front of a New Hampshire car wash:
"If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

http://www.kidsjokes.co.uk/jokes/school/crazydefinitiona.html, Apr 6 2012
A very popular make of car
A car's log book

Comedy Links Directory: New Links, Oct 6 2009
Hillairous Greeting Cards, Car stickers, Chav caption Competition, and blogs. Review It

Comedy Links Directory: British Comedy, Sep 6 2009
Hillairous Greeting Cards, Car stickers, Chav caption Competition, and blogs. Review It

Funny Bizarre Pictures and Funny Weird Photographs from The Comedy Zone, Sep 6 2009
... << Back to the Funny Pictures Index | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | Next >> # Funny Picture Title 1 FASTEN YOUR SEAT BELTS 2 BABY ATTITUDE 3 MISSING PARACHUTE? 4 SMILE PLEASE 5 WITCH HEALTH WARNING 6 UP HIS OWN A*** 7 CARHENGE 8 TAN LINES 9 WOMEN ONLY CAR PARK 10 ONE FOR THE ROAD 11 FIT GRANNY 12 SLIGHT DISTRACTION 13 TIGHT PARKING SLOT 14 NOT MY JOB 15 TRAFFIC TREE 16 DRIVING LESSONS 17 THE TOILET MONSTER STRIKES 18 AQUA-DOG 19 ONLY IN TEXAS 20 SERIOUS CURRY ADDICTION ...

1962: Film and TV archives at the Comedy Zone, Sep 6 2009
1962 That was the year when... Marilyn Monroe died in suspicious circumstances in Los Angeles Brazil won the football world cup (in Chile) Popular TV Comic Ernie Kovacs died in a car crash John Glenn became the first American to orbit Earth Nazi mass murderer Adolf Eichmann was Hanged in Israel 1962 is the year that the first Television satellite pictures were seen in America using the Telstar satellite. The James Bond legend hit the big screen and the Americans caught up with Russia by putting their own man in space. On TV At The cinema Steptoe & Son Lawrence of Arabia (Best Film Oscar) The Bruce Forsyth Show Dr No That Was The Week That Was The Longest Day The Lucy Show Merrill's Marauders Back to Film & TV The Comedy Zone WWW SPONSORED LINKS


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